Staying Alive Without Actually Breathing

pizzaforpresident:

I’ve never seen a twilight movie or read a book before so I thought it would be fun to write down everything I know about the series in one incredibly incorrect post.

TWILIGHT

• Bella moves to Forks Washington to live with her dad and it always rains
• She meets an asian kid in high school and falls in love with Edward and sits next to him in biology
• She meets the other Cullens in the cafeteria and they don’t like her
• She almost gets killed by a van and Edward saves her
• She gets a piggyback from Edward and they jump around the forest
• The black eyed peas murder a guy on a dock and then play baseball against the Cullens
• Bella gets attacked in a ballet studio for some reason and Edward saves her 

NEW MOON

• Bella goes to Edward’s house for her engagement party and gets a papercut and Edwards family tries to kill her so they break up and Bella sits in a spinning room for 6 months and then tries to kill herself just so she can see Edward
• Jacob is all like Bella I love you and Bella decides she loves Jacob
• Edward is all sad and stuff so he’s going to kill himself by sparkling to death in Italy in front of the Volturi who wear red cloaks and are vampire governement
• Bella decides she loves Edward more than Jacob and she drives to Italy in a yellow Lamborghini 
• Edward shows off his gross pale abs and Bella jumps in front of him and the volturi are mad at her and the movie ends

THE THIRD ONE

• Edward and Bella are in love but the Volturi are like “no way josé” so they send Dakota Fanning to kill them
• They go in the woods and Edward and Bella are still in love
• A woman with red hair jumps over a waterfall
• Dakota Fanning goes into the woods to kill Bella 
• Jacob and his werewolf buddies save Bella
• Jacob and Edward protect Bella together

BREAKING DAWN

• Bella and Edward get married and then bang
• Bella gets pregnant and the baby grows really fast
• Bella’s going to die and the baby is eating her so Edward rips open her stomach with his teeth and Jacob takes out the baby and bites the umbilical cord off
• Edward bites Bella (again, because apparently chewing through her didn’t do the trick) and she turns into a vampire
• Edward and Bella name their baby Renee Zellweger
• Jacob falls in love with the baby
• The baby grows up really fast and falls in love with Jacob
• Bella and Edward and Renee Zellweger and Jacob live happily ever after